A spoiler-packed guide to all that’s off about the superhero clash, from Lex Luthor as a malfunctioning game android to Bruce Wayne’s fickle take on demolition
This piece contains spoilers for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. Don’t read it unless you’ve seen the film or don’t care about spoilers
Like a big, wet glob of fetid bird droppings tumbling down from the sky, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice has landed with an audible splat. It’s been almost three years since director Zack Snyder revealed the project at San Diego Comic-Con và in those years, the multimillion-dollar hype machine has been slowed only periodically by rumblings that something was amiss with the film. Amid splashy trailer releases and return trips khổng lồ Comic-Con there’s been a steady drumbeat of skepticism in the background. How bad could it be? Well, it turns out, pretty bad.
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Despite the 30% Rotten Tomatoes score, you probably rushed out and gobbled up this picture with the reckless abandon of DJ Khaled confronted with a horse trough full of fried chicken. You – the hypothetical reader whom I am very certain is terribly attractive, very intelligent, and wise beyond your years – probably want someone to lớn explain what it is you just witnessed. I would like to offer up my expertise miễn phí of charge so that you might better understand the many layers of this motion picture event. I warn you now that this is a spoiler-heavy article, so if you haven’t seen the film & want to lớn remain untainted, please click away immediately. I won’t mind. I mean, you’ve already clicked on it anyway, so cha-ching.
‘I can’t vày all the grinning & bearing by myself, Ben’: Henry Cavill & Ben Affleck. Photograph: Dave J Hogan/Getty ImagesThe film opens with one of many dream sequences. Let me just say here early that Batman v hero is mostly dream sequences, and those scenes that are not dreams still seem to function as though the basic laws of reality vị not exist. Granted, this is a film about an alien & an alcoholic billionaire pervert throwing each other around in the rain while grimacing heavily. I should probably cut it some slack.
Anyway, Bruce Wayne dreams about his parents being gunned down in front of a movie theater. This is intercut with Bruce Wayne tumbling down a hole where he discovers a massive gathering of bats in a cave. These bats swarm around him, magically lifting him up and out of the hole while he strikes a Christ pose. In other words, we are off to a smashing start. After that, we witness Metropolis being wiped out by Superman and General Zod from the last movie. Anh dũng destroys one of Bruce Wayne’s buildings by accident, which makes Wayne hate Superman. This is an important plot point. You see, Batman only approves of the destruction of private property when he’s the one doing the destroying. Later in the film, Batman tears through the thành phố in his own personal tank, blows up some cars, shoots up a building with his Batwing, kills numerous anonymous henchmen, and lures a dangerous mutant back khổng lồ a populated area without a coherent plan to lớn defeat it. But he’s not an alien, so it’s OK. I should also mention that Bruce Wayne has a second dream about his dead parents in which blood pours out of his mother’s tomb, then explodes khổng lồ reveal a demon inside of it. I think maybe he has some unresolved issues.
Bruce Wayne is not alone in hating Superman. The United States government is none too pleased with the last son of Krypton leveling large parts of a major city. Lex Luthor, a wealthy businessman and scientist, also hates Superman. Now, you probably couldn’t quite figure out why Lex Luthor hated anh hùng so much. Unlike Batman, he has no clear professional jealousy. In fact, in a brief aside, Luthor mentions the construction projects his company undertook after dũng sĩ wrecked Metropolis. If he had just kept his mouth shut and let superman topple a few more buildings, he could have kept raking in the government contracts for decades to lớn come. Instead, he spends most of the movie trying lớn get Batman & Superman to lớn fight, then creates a quái thú in a pool of brown toilet water for no reason. I thought this guy was some kinda genius? It doesn’t make sense at first, but upon second viewing, it’s clear that Lex Luthor is actually a malfunctioning android và his moronic behavior is due khổng lồ his circuits being fried. Every bizarre character choice can be chalked up lớn what I lượt thích to hotline the “Android Defense”. Something happened in Batman v anh kiệt that doesn’t make any sense? It was probably done by a secretly malfunctioning robot.
Sorry, got a bit off track here. Batman has another dream, where anh hùng has become a fascist dictator with his own army of stormtroopers. Batman is a lone freedom fighter rebelling against Superman’s iron rule. At the over of the dream, siêu anh hùng punches a hole in Batman’s chest. Batman wakes up và sees The Flash (not identified as such, I just know because I’m a nerd) inside a time vortex. Flash explains some important plot points for another movie, then disappears. Why is The Flash invading Batman’s dreams? Why did he travel back in time? He’s got khổng lồ juggle a lot of balls and he only has one butler khổng lồ handle all of his affairs. He’s not a huge note-taker and doesn’t maintain an iCal. Things slip through the cracks. That’s why he sent The Flash back in time in the first place, lượt thích a really elaborate Post-It note. Unfortunately, if Batman had never forgotten about his dream, he never would have sent back The Flash to lớn remind him about the dream, which creates a major paradox, which I don’t want khổng lồ get into right now.
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I haven’t even mentioned Wonder Woman, AKA Diana Prince, warrior princess of Themyscira. Wonder Woman periodically shows up at parties lớn annoy Bruce Wayne. She steals some computer files from Lex Luthor during a fundraiser for a library or something. Then, Bruce and Diana meet at a totally different buổi tiệc nhỏ where they stare at a dagger in a glass case. You may have wondered whose buổi tiệc ngọt that was, why either of the characters were at that party, & what the point of the knife in the box was. Look, cool people get invited to parties all the time that you don’t know about. You should be used to this by now. Stop asking. It makes you look desperate.
Bruce Wayne opens up Lex Luthor’s computer files & discovers a photo of Wonder Woman from the first world war, plus some trailers for other Warner Bros movies. Luthor even designed logos for all of these movies in Adobe Illustrator. Why does Lex Luthor have four blatant bits of sản phẩm placement on his computer? Because he’s been maintaining a secret double life as a film publicist. You thought running a multinational corporation while trying khổng lồ murder an indestructible flying alien was hard? Try selling the Aquaman movie.
Back to Superman, he’s quite depressed over the mixed reaction khổng lồ his theatrical heroics, & I don’t mean the reviews for Man of Steel either. Some worship him for his daring deeds, while others are terrified of the unchecked power nguồn he wields. Using that divided public opinion against him, Lex Luthor attempts lớn frame anh hùng for a variety of very un-Superman activities – shooting up a village, neglecting to stop a suicide bomber, and drinking red wine with seafood. Of course, tráng sĩ would vày none of these things, but that doesn’t stop the public from turning on him, playing directly into Luthor’s hands.
Dejected, dũng sĩ flies off to Buffalo, New York, or some other desolate, snow-covered landscape. There, we are treated to yet another dream sequence. This time, Clark Kent imagines seeing his father throwing bricks on to lớn a pile of other bricks while telling a story about inadvertently ruining the lives of his neighbors during a flood. At this point, you may have asked yourself why anh kiệt flew out to lớn this barren wasteland. You may have also asked what that pile of rocks was? Maybe you thought it was the place where Clark Kent’s dad is buried, but I’m fairly certain it’s been established that he was buried on the Kent farm. So why the hell is anh dũng having visions of his dead dad in the middle of nowhere? As with everything, there is a simple answer. Nothing reminds me more of Kevin Costner’s acting than a pile of rocks, bricks và twigs in the snow. So, it’s natural that when one sees a pile of inanimate objects, one would pause lớn consider Kevin Costner. This movie makes perfect sense.
Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman in Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice. Photograph: APConsidering the title of the film, Batman & Superman fight toward the end of the story. It’s as brutal & ruthless as it is boring, with the fisticuffs coming to an abrupt kết thúc when Batman realizes that his mom & Superman’s mom have the same first name. If only Biggie & Tupac’s moms had the same first name. They might still be here today.
Lex Luthor’s monster, Doomsday, is unleashed & Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman join forces khổng lồ defeat him. Why did Lex Luthor create a boss he couldn’t control when he easily could have just shot anh hùng with a kryptonite rocket 30 minutes into the movie? Why did he waste all of that time convincing Batman và Superman khổng lồ fight if he was just going to create Doomsday? What if Batman killed Superman? Would Lex Luthor still have a need for a rampaging, uncontrollable beast?
At the kết thúc of the film, anh hào sacrifices himself to lớn defeat Doomsday, leaving Batman & Wonder Woman to khung the Justice League in his absence. Lex Luthor has gone crazy (because he is a malfunctioning android) and has had his head shaved because long hair is strictly forbidden in solitary confinement, as everyone knows. He could have hidden a knife or a grenade in that moptop. Batman mourns his friend, who he had been pals with for a grand total of a couple hours and had previously been single-mindedly obsessed with murdering. Why was Batman so broken up about the death of a man he had spent two years despising? Because, as a great man (me) once said (right now, for the first time), the greatest friendships are the ones that burn out the quickest. If you learn anything from this movie, it should be that. If I were Warner Bros, I’d be throwing that brilliant aphorism on a T-shirt right now.
